Were the 39 years before ADHD just a dream?

When I was 30, I decided it was time to talk to a professional about ADHD. I had suspected for years that I might have it, but I had found shortcuts and ways to alter my life to work around it. That changed when I met my now wife. She was a high school teacher and interacted with students on a daily basis who had ADHD, and she was acutely aware of the signs. When she mentioned to me after living together for a while that she thought I might have ADHD, I told her it wouldn’t surprise me. So, I made an appointment to be evaluated for testing.

It was a disaster. From the beginning of the meeting, the doctor who was interviewing me seemed suspicious about why I was there. She openly told me that she didn’t think I was serious about being evaluated honestly and that I was just there seeking drugs. I was stunned. I was denied the opportunity to even go through testing. I had never sought professional therapy or counseling for mental health prior to that. The experience left me dejected and led me to believe that I was too old to be diagnosed with ADHD.

Life went on for another nine years, with the radio in my mind constantly changing stations. I lost jobs, forgot schedules, felt I was continually disappointing people, missed bill payments, and was mentally exhausted all the time. It seemed the only way to slow my mind down at the end of the day was a cocktail.

During those 9 years, my wife would occasionally bring up the idea of my seeking testing again. I agreed that it might make sense, but I also had reservations. I figured I was in my mid-30s and was making do; granted, it was a struggle, but I worried that medication would take away things about my mind that I liked. Being a creative person, I struggled with the idea that I might lose some of the imagination that was so important to me.

I finally decided to seek testing again when I was 39; I had been working from home for about six months. Things were going pretty well, except I could feel that I was starting to have trouble keeping my daily schedule together. It seemed like the racing that my mind was constantly doing had intensified. I was anxious and worried for no particular reason. This time around, I found a professional who listened to me, understood where I was at, and agreed to evaluate me. After the testing was done, and he informed me that I did indeed have ADHD — Inattentive, it was a relief. I met with a psychiatrist shortly after and was prescribed dextroamphetamine.

That’s when the questions started to arise. With the relief that medication brought also came a side effect that I hadn’t considered. As someone who had unknowingly lived with ADHD for decades, I was familiar with ruminating on things. Now, in light of having a diagnosis, it opened up a whole new set of questions to ponder and ruminate on.

What if I had been diagnosed 30 years earlier? What if someone had noticed the signs? How would my life look today? What decisions would I have made differently? Would I have been more successful? Happier? Soon after my diagnosis, I made the choice that I wasn’t going to let myself dwell in the sea of “What Ifs.”

I can’t change the past, and life works out the way it’s supposed to. Four years later, I have adapted to the change my diagnosis brought me, and due to that, I have a better understanding of how I got here. Now, I can reflect on the “what ifs,” even if the only result is I’ll never know.