Dear 26, 

Your mind has changed…The obstacles you have lived with have become more pronounced as the years have passed. There are reasons for that, and you are just beginning to understand them fully. You will settle down, and you will find a steady routine. It is a calm pace to life that you dream about. You get married, get a steady(ish) job, you will own a home, and have dogs. You will have the life you have always dreamed about. Youwill have that, but your mind will get in the way of finding contentment. When your pace of life slows down and things are comfortable, your mind won’t slow down. It just seems to be erratic. That mind that you cherish now, at 26, that mind that keeps you constantly in motion, up late and ready for any adventure you can dream up, isn’t the mind of happiness at 39. It’s more and more a mind of frustration. 

You will go through periods in your 30s where you and your wife struggle financially, and that means you struggle on a relationship level. Your mind and its wandering thoughts can focus in times of worry and uncertainty. When you wake in the middle of the night, you start to work through those issues, but that mind goes through every issue you have ever had. It is exhausting living in that mind, but this is not the time you realize it. 

In time finances become better, job security is found, your marriage is strong. Your mind keeps wandering, but now there is nothing of pressing importance that it has to focus on. You will notice that even though your mind isn’t distracted, it doesn’t do what you need. You can’t get organized, you forget something that’s been told to you numerous times, and you can’t focus on basic conversations. You will become very frustrated. You will be mentally tired all the time. This is because your mind never stops, not because your mind is solving big problems. Your mind bounces like a pinball from one pointless thought to the next, and as soon as it makes that jump, it doesn’t remember where it was a second before. 

26, you have ADHD. You have suspected this for years, but you don’t do anything about it. When you first decide to see someone about this, you will be wildly misdiagnosed, and you will get discouraged. You will put off doing anything more about it for years and tell yourself that this is just how it is and that you will continue to develop ways to deal with it. That works well when it is just you having to deal with it but it won’t be just you. Those millions of little things you deal with and develop workarounds for are unseen by everyone else in your orbit. They don’t understand; they don’t get to see the mental gymnastics of your mind. They don’t see vibrancy of colors that you do. They just see shortcomings by someone who isn’t adequately addressing the issues they have. 

You will find the right doctors to diagnose you, and you will start taking medication. Your mind will organize and filter priorities. You will be able to focus on singular tasks, and if another thought comes to mind while completing that task, it will be put on that list of priorities and won’t vanish as it has mysteriously for the last 38 years. It will have its place, and you will get to it when it is its time. It’s a miraculous thing. 

You will doubt these benefits at times. You will realize that the benefits outweigh the negatives, but you will still have moments of that you wonder. You will wonder if those characters that have been the basis for the writing you love will still have a place to come to you. You will wonder if you will be so focused on the organized tasks that you will miss the simple moments of looking up, taking a breath, and just being happy in the moment. It will take time to process and work through this new world that you inhabit. 

26, you have 13 years before you will understand all of this. You have 13 years until you know what a quiet mind is. 26, I know you well, I know that there is no way you can read through these two pages without bouncing to another place, drifting like a rowboat. I know this, and you will, too. This is the first time that I can remember sitting down to write something and not getting distracted by something else along the way. Maybe it’s the first time that I have ever experienced it. 

26. I started to cry as I wrote that because I just realized that it’s true. You will have that peace and focus and be able to stop your mind. Maybe tears came to my eyes because I know that you won’t understand that for another 13 years.

Talk Soon,

39